So.
I found a lump in my breast.
Have friend issues... see the post earlier in the week...
And then had a very emotional phonecall from my mother, about our relationship and ...well if I start on it i will NEVER stop... but basically she has hurt me... pretty bad.
And so. We have brunch with Matt's mum this morning, shortly infact. FINGERS CROSSED NO MORE DRAMAS, I cannot take it!
N.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Love conquerors all?
Dear Diary
What happens when you get tired of the chase? You are left disappointed that the prize was so close and yet not found. When you have spent your ... time, money, love and have nothing left to go on. What is left?
Does love endure? I believe that yes it must, romantic fool that I am I believe love endures, conquerors, prevails.
So believing in love, but exhausted of heart what does one do? Simply let go? Or hold on in faith? Does one resign oneself to keep on loving, knowing that one may never receive that love in return? Is this asking the impossible?
I am human. What I want to do is withdraw my love, shut it away, keep it hidden, to withhold and punish ... and to express how much that love, though freely given has cost. But I am confronted by the thought that to act as such is not to act in love. And haven’t I just professed my belief in love?
Can I not just tell you that I have run out of love? That I have shut up shop - and that all that is left in the cupboard is ugly disappointment and frustration? Those I have in abundance! How I would say “dear friend I love you but...” and then by my very confession, love becomes something that is not love at all.
A little voice inside pipes up: “what about me?” Am I not good enough? What have I done that you would withhold your love from me? Was I not a good enough friend? I loved with all I had, but why was this not enough?
So in my exhaustion, rejection, hurt, frustration and disappointment, I pray to the One and ask for grace. I am struck that He must feel the same towards me! That He is forever extending to me his love, and I am consistent in my ignorance of it.
Who am I then to moan? I am human, but he is, God. He wrote the book on this one, and so even though I may struggle ... I will act in love. He first loved me.
1 Corinthians 13 (The Message Bible)
The Way of Love
1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2 If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
8-10 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be cancelled.
What happens when you get tired of the chase? You are left disappointed that the prize was so close and yet not found. When you have spent your ... time, money, love and have nothing left to go on. What is left?
Does love endure? I believe that yes it must, romantic fool that I am I believe love endures, conquerors, prevails.
So believing in love, but exhausted of heart what does one do? Simply let go? Or hold on in faith? Does one resign oneself to keep on loving, knowing that one may never receive that love in return? Is this asking the impossible?
I am human. What I want to do is withdraw my love, shut it away, keep it hidden, to withhold and punish ... and to express how much that love, though freely given has cost. But I am confronted by the thought that to act as such is not to act in love. And haven’t I just professed my belief in love?
Can I not just tell you that I have run out of love? That I have shut up shop - and that all that is left in the cupboard is ugly disappointment and frustration? Those I have in abundance! How I would say “dear friend I love you but...” and then by my very confession, love becomes something that is not love at all.
A little voice inside pipes up: “what about me?” Am I not good enough? What have I done that you would withhold your love from me? Was I not a good enough friend? I loved with all I had, but why was this not enough?
So in my exhaustion, rejection, hurt, frustration and disappointment, I pray to the One and ask for grace. I am struck that He must feel the same towards me! That He is forever extending to me his love, and I am consistent in my ignorance of it.
Who am I then to moan? I am human, but he is, God. He wrote the book on this one, and so even though I may struggle ... I will act in love. He first loved me.
1 Corinthians 13 (The Message Bible)
The Way of Love
1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2 If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
8-10 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be cancelled.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Up and Up.
Wondering about things in general. I just took a Pregnancy Test. It was in the cupboard. It was close to expiring. I am on the pill, there is really no way I am, but you know... how freaky would that be? LIke DUDE!
We are off to Queenstown on Thursday to holiday and catch up with family. It's all very exciting. I have new things to wear, and this makes me happier that I would have thought it could. This whole weight loss, getting skinny thing is cool and odd. I have in the past not really been one for shopping, or for dressing up... have been rather content to simply fade into the wallpaper and be done with it.
But ... I find I have more ... confidence? I am still the same old me, not really different on the inside, but perhaps more ready to let the world know about it.
Acheivements this week:
1. THE IRONING PILE: (tick) all the ironing is done!
2. FINALLY managed to break the 5km barrier. Ran 5.1kms tonight in 42 minutes.
3. HEELS... i have 2 pairs of new shoes, both of which are heels, and I LOVE them.
Thoughts: Well the DOS, his wife was diagnosed with Melanoma just smack bang before xmas. She passed away yesterday morning. How is that for nuts? I simply can't imagine how you would get through something like that? I think of how much I love Matt, and I think of loosing him, and it brings me to tears, just the thought.
So, a sobering thought, but life is precious.
It is a gift, it's a struggle, it is joy, laughter, tears, sorroe, pain, strife, happiness, satisfaction... it is in God's hands. He gives and takes in the same breath, but never lightly and not without purpose, and always with love. Always with love.
We are off to Queenstown on Thursday to holiday and catch up with family. It's all very exciting. I have new things to wear, and this makes me happier that I would have thought it could. This whole weight loss, getting skinny thing is cool and odd. I have in the past not really been one for shopping, or for dressing up... have been rather content to simply fade into the wallpaper and be done with it.
But ... I find I have more ... confidence? I am still the same old me, not really different on the inside, but perhaps more ready to let the world know about it.
Acheivements this week:
1. THE IRONING PILE: (tick) all the ironing is done!
2. FINALLY managed to break the 5km barrier. Ran 5.1kms tonight in 42 minutes.
3. HEELS... i have 2 pairs of new shoes, both of which are heels, and I LOVE them.
Thoughts: Well the DOS, his wife was diagnosed with Melanoma just smack bang before xmas. She passed away yesterday morning. How is that for nuts? I simply can't imagine how you would get through something like that? I think of how much I love Matt, and I think of loosing him, and it brings me to tears, just the thought.
So, a sobering thought, but life is precious.
It is a gift, it's a struggle, it is joy, laughter, tears, sorroe, pain, strife, happiness, satisfaction... it is in God's hands. He gives and takes in the same breath, but never lightly and not without purpose, and always with love. Always with love.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
It's not Friday
Sitting here at my desk
At work
Feeling blah blah blah
Sick of it.
Sigh...
On the UP SIDE:
1. NEW SHOES, pickup on Thursday Evening after work
2. DINNER WITH FRIENDS, tomorrow night
3. I RAN 4.6kms yesterday
4. QUEENSTOWN, only 8 more sleeps
5. Only 32 minutes of foresaid work left for the day
Yep. Even when you feel like ... crap. You can find things to look forward to, be proud of and to be grateful for.
There is something to be said for counting your blessings.
N.
At work
Feeling blah blah blah
Sick of it.
Sigh...
On the UP SIDE:
1. NEW SHOES, pickup on Thursday Evening after work
2. DINNER WITH FRIENDS, tomorrow night
3. I RAN 4.6kms yesterday
4. QUEENSTOWN, only 8 more sleeps
5. Only 32 minutes of foresaid work left for the day
Yep. Even when you feel like ... crap. You can find things to look forward to, be proud of and to be grateful for.
There is something to be said for counting your blessings.
N.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
New gadgets for me
Hey this is all a bit new updating from my shiney new iPhone I love it!
Today has been great. Went to work and had a really productive day. Went on a date with
my awesome hubby, drinks, a movie, dinner and then just got home now. Just waiting for him
to come to bed... But you probably didn't need to know that!
Had a bit of a time of it lately. Struggling to reconcile Granddad dying and things...
One great thing that has come out of this is that Matt and I finally sat down and wrote out our goals for this year, and next year, and even beyond.
I have been kinda struggling with work of late, feeling powerless and frustrated and sitting and acctually deciding where i want to be in 18 months time was a huge breakthrough. Taking ownership and control of the problem and simply deciding that it is in my power to make things change has somehow helped a lot.
I have my duathlon this weekend. I had thought that with everything that has been happening that it might be too much of an ask, but today decided fuck it, I have done all the hard yards so I am going to bite the bullet and just do it!
Today has been great. Went to work and had a really productive day. Went on a date with
my awesome hubby, drinks, a movie, dinner and then just got home now. Just waiting for him
to come to bed... But you probably didn't need to know that!
Had a bit of a time of it lately. Struggling to reconcile Granddad dying and things...
One great thing that has come out of this is that Matt and I finally sat down and wrote out our goals for this year, and next year, and even beyond.
I have been kinda struggling with work of late, feeling powerless and frustrated and sitting and acctually deciding where i want to be in 18 months time was a huge breakthrough. Taking ownership and control of the problem and simply deciding that it is in my power to make things change has somehow helped a lot.
I have my duathlon this weekend. I had thought that with everything that has been happening that it might be too much of an ask, but today decided fuck it, I have done all the hard yards so I am going to bite the bullet and just do it!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Goodbye
Theo Godwin McGregor. 1931-2010
Granddad.
I was there to say goodbye. What an honour and a privelege.
You lived and imparted to me confidence and love, a sense of humour and a different perspective.
I loved how when I was little i got to ride on your shoulders (6'6" is a height to aspire to).
You were always waiting at the school gate for me on Wednesdays at lunch, so me and you could go and hang out, see nana and catch up on the weeks events.
You made the best school lunches, margerine 1 cm thick and choc chips, or sultanas
Marmite is only supposed to be used sparingly, but that never stopped you from slathering it on cm's thick.
I loved sitting on your knee.
And the smell of your sweater, rough on my cheek.
I always got to have a sip of your beer.
I love your laugh, and that grimace you have when you're thinking hard, or when something has gone to shit.
When everyone else was competing for first fiddle, your were a stead second, always there.
You fixed EVERYTHING, alarm clocks, my wristwatch when I forgot to take it off before a swim. I never got upset when something broke, because you were always there to fix it. Or make it better.
Do you remember the waterslide on the lawn, going hell for leather into nana's trees?
I can remember when you took me in your ute at Glenary, and I fell out the door, and then got you in trouble with Mum and Dad, I let the cat out of the bag.
I remember how big you are, how tall and strong. I remember your hands.
Do you remember all those Christmas' treats? I LOVE ICECREAM - you do too!
There was always the possibility of some adventure, of gruff cuddles, and lots of laughs.
I wish you were still here. I miss you. It's just not the same without my Granddad.
But I remember all the cool times and the crazy times, and I know when I have kids, and mum and dad are the Granddys, I will tell them about you too. So you will keep on in my heart and in theirs too.
I love you always Granddad.
Love Nardine.
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