I am not, I am

Somehow, in the everyday-ish-ness of it all I seem to unconciously reconcile all the things I am not. Everywhere you look, there seems to be a mark against which you might measure yourself, and in my humanity find lack.
I am not.
I am.

So.
I am not willowey, amazonian, petitte. I am tall, curvey, curley.
I am not fashionable, chic, smooth. I love, am quirky, assured.
I am not manicured, peticured, made up. I am natural, glowing, fresh
I am not old, young, wizened. I am willing, able, eager

To know your lack and decide on the materiality of it. To place it into perspective, and give honest consideration to those that are certainly real shortcomings. How does one honestly look in the mirrror, seeing past the initial distortions and self doubt, to truely know and see and feel and change.

So perhaps I ask, who is it that I wish to be, considering what I am.
To love with true love, to be patient, kind, gentle, truthful and honest, all the things we feel a moral obligation to be. To be bright and cheerful, alive and full of the vivacity that is life? To know what it is to cry, to sob, to mourn, and to know joy, cheer, laughter and love.
To not shy away from that which may be painful, to not take offence. To beleive the very best of everyone, the to encourage and motivate them to be the best they can be.

So in asking all this, is it too much to aspire to?

Many people want to live with no regrets. What does that mean? For myself, I do not care for it. I want to live from my heart.

N.

Back to it...

Dear Glob. Why is it that when you really need some good ole fashioned stickability it seems to be no-where to be found.
I find myself crowded by the goings on of late. Lots of things, lots of pressure, not enough ... not enough...
So perhaps if I enlist the help of a good ole fashioned list I can perhaps sort through some of the clutter in my brain.

Number 1. Uni. Due 30th September. Presentation of Article Critique and Research Proposal.
Number 2. NZICA. Due 4-5 October.
Number 3. Moving. Due 14th November
Number 4. Holiday. 12-22 November to Brissy.
Number 5. Dinner
Number 6. Passports
Number 7. Gym.
Number 8. Weightwatching
Number 9. Christmas
Number 10. Wedding, February, budget.
Number 11. Sydney Trip
Number 12. Birthday dinners (Raewyn and Albert)
Number 13. Lola and Penny to the cattery in November
Number 14. Moving truck
Number 15. Packing and logistics
Number 16. Uni Assignment (5th Nov).

Ok. so that wasn't so hard, and is not in order. Where do I want my priority to be?
1. Me. Weightwatchers. Gym.
2. Uni crap and NZICA
3. Moving shit
4. Everything else

I hate when life is this crazy, sometimes the slower same old same old is nice.
N.

Belt me up Scotty!

So, off to the mall i go in search of a belt for the purely functional purpose of holding these jeans up on my hips. Where they should be!
I have purchased. It is soft leather, black. Biggish shiny oval buckle, fitting neatly around my waist. Unfortunately Max also had an extra 25% off their sale Items, and so ... how could I resist?
Anyway. Home again Sam, and I sit here satisfied that the seemingly expensive $80 is a wise investment. I have concluded a "try on everything in the wardrobe" session to see how I can make the most of it, and found that my new belt goes with every thing, and wearing it transforms some of the more shapeless items in my wardrobe in to ... well, you can tell i have a waist, and I look fab.

I can say I have never bought a belt until now. What have I been doing all this time? Well, mostly my waist was expanding so loose pants has never been a real problem until now. But if i have anything else to say it is this ... I love my belt.

Can't wait until I next go to the mall, I have my eyes on another ... one of those elastic-ey ones.
Yep.

Lola Belle

This is Lola.

This is Lola. She is my Tonkinese baby. Asleep on my lap as I type. She is obsessed by... me. Follows me everywhere, and is always wanting to be a part of whatever it is I am up to.

Those blue eyes gaze at you quizzically. Slightly surely cross-eyed...

So cute!

Highlights of the week

Has been such a week I thought I would share the highs n lows and cos I love a good list here we go:
(in no particular order)

THE GOOD

1. Morphine. Need I explain further?

2. Boysenberry shortbread and long black coffee(s) enjoyed whilst leisurely drooling through the latest issue of cuisine and trying to find the energy to walk home ... ended up in a taxi ...

3. Taxi driver. Figured out I was wasted and bought in the groceries to the front door. Good on you Mr. Co-op taxi-man.

4. Picnic in bed. Mmm

5. True blood in bed

6. Chocolate ... In bed

7. Boobies

8. Lola cuddles. Craziest cat I ever knew but so cute!

9. Cate Owen

10. So much farmville...

11. Loosing 2.6kgs in 4 days!!! That can't be good right? My jeans are falling down!

THE BAD

1. So tired ... So so wasted. Wee walk to the doctor and that's me done for the day! Dude!

2. Lola

3. So much farmville...

4. Being hungry and nauseous at the same time ... Thinking that food will help ... It didn't!

5. Not going to work. Having work withdrawal symptoms. Home alone is boring people!

THE UGLY

Sooo... I have been watching with general amusement a situation between friends that is a bit like a car wreck! Horrid and oddly fascinating!!!

Rachel posted the below on her Facebook... and oh oh oh how I want to add my 2 cents and can't!
I will post to you dear glob... KARMA ... will bite you in the arse in the end!

Happy Happy Happy

Dear Glob. Here is a question for you!
What is the key to happiness?
Lets google it:

1. Learn to bring all learning back to yourself and not point the finger at others.
2. The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. - Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lamat
3. Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. - Abraham Lincoln
4. The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart. - Thich Nhat Hanh

Thoughts so far?
I like the point about fingers. It reminds me that if you're going to point your finger at someone else, you need to sort out your own shit first. I like the second point too, but not much more to say on that.
Ah, I like the philosopy of point three, happiness is not dependant on the crap that flies your way, it's a mindset and an exercise of self control.
Point 4? Freedom (as in Mel Gibson Braveheart)! I wonder that if you are continually pointing your finger at others, you bind yourself in knots of all the things that are wrong in the world... freedom, flip the coin. I agree.

So I was reading further, and http://www.grandtimes.com/happiness.html outlines the 5 helpful hints to happiness.
NUMBER ONE. Let go of old baggage.
NUMBER TWO. Live without regrets
NUMBER THREE. Live in the present
NUMBER FOUR. Everything in life is a teacher
NUMBER FIVE. No one has faults

Wise words.
So why do I write a blog?

This week I was chilling with one of my mates, and about mid way through the evening, I just realised that for all the bravado, my mate is not happy. It breaks my heart a little on the inside, especially because I wholeheartedly beleive that life is what we make of it, and that we have a choice in how we respond to people and circumstances. If you are miserable, it is your choice to be so.

With all my heart i am grateful because I have that happiness. You have a shit day, you have a shite week, but all in all I feel full and happy.

N.

Mmm

I decided just now that I love "mmm"! What a great word.

Mmm - delicious
Mmm - not so sure on that one
Mmm - ok
Mmm - hesitant ok
Mmm - holy crap yes
Mmm - this is the business

Such versatility!
Mmm.

HOLY CRAP-POLI!

Ok. On the 19th October 2009 I joined weight watchers. I have lost 35kgs. I am now over 40kgs lighter than my heaviest.
As at the scales this morning, I currently weigh 95 kgs. You do the math.

I had a conversation this morning at work with Anna. We talked about how when you look in the mirror you seldom see what is really there, but instead you have an image in your minds eye that you project onto the version looking back at you, and that's what you see. Throughout this journey the weirdest and at times hardest thing to adjust to is trying to really see what is in the mirror, and allowing my minds eye to make that adjustment.
Here is what I mean.
This is me. April-ish 2009. Before I began this shrinking violet journey...

I would like to point out that in this photo I felt slim. I honestly thought that I looked about 25-30kilos lighter than I do here. I only just found this, I went searching for an old photo, mainly because I was curious of whether how I thought I used to look really marries up to the old real me... if you get my drift.

My latest post on facebook has this photo of me.

It's the same problem, but in complete reverse. In my head I am much larger than this photo makes me out to be. It's an interesting predicament to say the least.

That's all for now
Hi Bron!

N.

Hungry

I live to eat. Simple but true. Eating makes me feel contented, loved, warm and satisfied. Even when I am not hungry I think about ... food.
No wonder I tipped the scales at 135.5kgs, wheezed like an old man when I had to climb a hill, and shamefully purchased size 24 clothes!

Shamefully? Really? A strong word that is bound to upset some but yes it's the truth.

Now I have lost nearly 40kgs. I literally look and feel different. But I still struggle with the want to eat even though I am not hungry and know that it means an extra half hour or so on the treadmill at the gym.
What is with that need, craving, (almost) uncontrollable desire to taste, enjoy, chew, swallow and the need for the satisfaction that seems to go hand in hand with it? Why is a simple filling healthy lunch not enough! What is it I really want? Why?

I weigh 97kg. Am a slenderer size 14, am fit and healthy and a world apart from the frumpy grumpy morbidly obese person I was but the issue has not gone. Simply taken another form.

If I ever find an answer to this, dear glob I will fill you in I promise.

Xxx
N.

Vampires

What is it with our fascination with these blood sucking creatures of our imagination! They have had a revival of sorts, transformed from cretinous blood sucking villains to innocent and somewhat insipid Demi-gods (twilight) or to brazen idols of all things sexual and sensuous (True Blood) and we lap it all up asking "please sir can I have some more?".

I believe the attraction and obsession is a natural consequence of the image people have of life and the circumstances they fall victim to. How do you perceive yourself and the world you call your own? How is it that the illusion portrayed in all these vampire diaries ring something true in out hearts? The old story of the hero sweeping the damsel off her feet is replayed with a new set of rules that somehow communicate we are no longer good enough, sexy enough or beautiful as we are, but require transformation to be truely accepted.

This is the secret dream or fear of everyones heart. That they do not measure up and vampirism is projected as the ultimate quick fix. Interesting concept really!

Unconditional love is hinted at in some cases but ultimately undermined.

Happiness ultimately becomes the product of circumstance, a somewhat offensive theory as we often have no control of circumstances, but we are very much responsible for our own happiness.

Hmmm...
It's a thought or three that's for sure!

Smite that skiter!

Don't you hate it when someone come over to your desk at work simply with the intent to fill you in on how incredibly awesome they are and how incredibly fantastic their latest feat is? Or. Do you celebrate in their glory! For most of us i think it's a little from column a a little from column b!

I must admit I am one if those people that share the love regarding my latest accomplishments and enjoy making everyone else excited about relatively trivial things!

Dear blog am I one of those annoying people? I get genuinely excited and just love nothing better than sharing it around. If I was annoying people would stop asking me leading questions right?

Mmm.

Motivation Motivati... Motiva...

Do you have any goals? Work goals? Personal goals? Fitness goals?
Right, so what happens then when you hit a roadblock?

I hadn't thought much about it of late. I guess I have really been too busy being busy... and busy feeling frustrated at those roadblocks, but lacking the vision to clearly see a way around them or through them.

And then, sometimes I also think that you can get so focused on the goal and on the road to that goal, that when that roadblock mysteriously appears in front of you, it's fricking huge and impossible, and you feel like you are kicking against a brick wall, nothing moves and you get a flipping sore foot for your efforts.

There is value in taking a step back and seeing that frustration for what it is. A delay or a detour, a bend in the road that is negotiable... putting it into perspective, taking a chill pill... taking positive ACTION to either blow that roadblock to pieces, or slip around it is the needed panacea to save you from heartache and frustration.

All this hypothetical talk... well, I have been finding the fitness and weight loss goals I have very demotivating and frustrating, and I was thinking today WHAT IS GOING ON HERE! I have done SO WELL... 35.5 kgs gone forever and I am the fittest I have been ... like ever. And yet I feel like I have stalled and am slipping back out of control. So what gives?
Well, the roadblock for me at the moment is time and stress. My solution to the problem is to get a personal trainer, i need some added oompf and some keys on how to manage my journey so there is still time in the day for my husband, my family and friends, study and work.

Just a lil' thought.
N.

Orange and Date Muffins

Zest of 1 orange (I used lemon zest)
Flesh of 1 orange (pith removed as much as you can) (I used 4 mandarins)
1/2 cup tightly packed dates
1 egg
75g butter, melted and cooled
1 banana mashed
1/2 cup sugar
1tsp baking soda
1tsp baking powder
2 cups flour
Milk



Zest the orange, then with sharp knife remove was much pith from the orange as you can. Chop roughly, then put orange, orange zest, sugar, egg and butter into the food processor and give it a good blat.

Put the dates in the microwave on high for 20 seconds to soften them up, add to the food processor with the banana and give em another good blat to chop em up.

Pour the mix into a big bowl. Sift on top the flour, baking soda and baking powder. Add about 1/4 cup of milk and fold gently to combine.

You will need to add more milk, but will depend on how juicy your orange was. The mixture at the end should be very wet, but not runny.

Into muffin tins and into the oven for about 10-15mins (test with skewer).

I made 20 small muffins at 2 pts per muffin.

They are DELICIOUS!

Chicken Casserole

Along with soup, chicken casserole is something I have not often done, and feel rather reluctant to make. Was at the supermarket this morning, and chicken was cheap as chips, so home I come with some, ready to cook cook cook.
So,
Into the slowcooker:
500g boneless skinless chicken thigh cutlet. Chopped roughly, browned in hot pan.
1 Potato cut to 2cm chunks
1 large-ish kumera into 2 cm chunks
5 smallish carrots into chunks
1 Red Onion - browned in hot pan
1 cup red wine (Wolf Blass Yellow label shiraz... mmm delish)
1 can watties tomatos with sweet basil
1.5 cup veg stock
1/8 cup sweet chilli sauce
Paprika
Thyme
Salt
Pepper
5 hours later.
It is DELISH! Yummo! All that.

Other than a chicken casserole, not a lot has been happening. I have uni assignment(s) to finish by Tuesday, but sitting here feeling VERY sleepy and ready for a nap to be fair. It's 7.03pm
I have procrastinated all day, a little disappointed with myself for it, but happy that the house is clean and tidy, there are freshly baked muffins in the pantry, and that dinner was so healthy and Delicious.
Mmm.
Fox arrived yesterday. This means DH is out drinking up a storm, and will stumble home drunk as a skunk at some part of the evening, at this rate LONG after I have disappeared off to bed.
It's cold.
Heater is on, and i am still cold. Need to find slippers and a jumper. Silly me.

Not a very exciting blog. I really must find some new photos to pop on here.
N.

From Me - It's been a while

So it's MAY ALREADY.
Can you believe that the months are flying by SO QUICKLY.
So.
What have I been up to?
Thoughts?
Things?
Well.
Susie moved out. Jazz moved out. Thomas is about to move in and we are about to get a new kitten to keep the Pen-meister company.
Parents came. Parents went.
I joined the gym.
I have actually been GOING to the gym (two different things really)
Sharon is getting married!!!
Discovered a new cafe that I LOVE (Stoneoven in Devonport).
I am now a size 16. Have gone in a relatively short period of time from being a fattie to being normal sized. 16 is normal yes? I think so.
I love that when I look in the mirror I see a different person, it's like finding an old friend you haven't seen for a VERY long time. So I am super motivated at the moment. I really want to get to goal. Nearly 30kgs gone forever, nearly 30kgs to go. Incredible!!!
So.
Lets see the photos!!!
Not quite got them organised. But over the weekend i will get there!
N.

Isn't it just like us?

Have you heard the Right Here, Right Now RWC 2011 anthem that everyone is going on… and on… and on… about?

What is the problem? I think it’s great!

Kiwis are so frickin hard to please! I seriously don’t think it would matter what song covered by what band, someone in the media would pick a problem with it and what seems like the rest of the nation would hop on the bandwagon.

NZ, stop being so flippin negative!

Goings On

What is the world coming to? I think i sound like my ... Grandmother?
I don't think i will explain further if you excuse ...

I am looking forward to the long weekend tho!

N.

Need to laugh at others misfortune?

It's sad but true that this website never fails to cheer me up....
If you're a bit prudish, I would advise not going and having a look... people who post don't hold back much.

N.

So, it's been a week of ... hmmm

So.
I found a lump in my breast.
Have friend issues... see the post earlier in the week...
And then had a very emotional phonecall from my mother, about our relationship and ...well if I start on it i will NEVER stop... but basically she has hurt me... pretty bad.
And so. We have brunch with Matt's mum this morning, shortly infact. FINGERS CROSSED NO MORE DRAMAS, I cannot take it!
N.

Love conquerors all?

Dear Diary


What happens when you get tired of the chase? You are left disappointed that the prize was so close and yet not found. When you have spent your ... time, money, love and have nothing left to go on. What is left?

Does love endure? I believe that yes it must, romantic fool that I am I believe love endures, conquerors, prevails.

So believing in love, but exhausted of heart what does one do? Simply let go? Or hold on in faith? Does one resign oneself to keep on loving, knowing that one may never receive that love in return? Is this asking the impossible?

I am human. What I want to do is withdraw my love, shut it away, keep it hidden, to withhold and punish ... and to express how much that love, though freely given has cost. But I am confronted by the thought that to act as such is not to act in love. And haven’t I just professed my belief in love?

Can I not just tell you that I have run out of love? That I have shut up shop - and that all that is left in the cupboard is ugly disappointment and frustration? Those I have in abundance! How I would say “dear friend I love you but...” and then by my very confession, love becomes something that is not love at all.

A little voice inside pipes up: “what about me?” Am I not good enough? What have I done that you would withhold your love from me? Was I not a good enough friend? I loved with all I had, but why was this not enough?

So in my exhaustion, rejection, hurt, frustration and disappointment, I pray to the One and ask for grace. I am struck that He must feel the same towards me! That He is forever extending to me his love, and I am consistent in my ignorance of it.

Who am I then to moan? I am human, but he is, God. He wrote the book on this one, and so even though I may struggle ... I will act in love. He first loved me.

1 Corinthians 13 (The Message Bible)
The Way of Love

1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2 If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

8-10 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be cancelled.

Up and Up (cont...)

By the way: Not Pregnant.

Up and Up.

Wondering about things in general. I just took a Pregnancy Test. It was in the cupboard. It was close to expiring. I am on the pill, there is really no way I am, but you know... how freaky would that be? LIke DUDE!
We are off to Queenstown on Thursday to holiday and catch up with family. It's all very exciting. I have new things to wear, and this makes me happier that I would have thought it could. This whole weight loss, getting skinny thing is cool and odd. I have in the past not really been one for shopping, or for dressing up... have been rather content to simply fade into the wallpaper and be done with it.
But ... I find I have more ... confidence? I am still the same old me, not really different on the inside, but perhaps more ready to let the world know about it.

Acheivements this week:
1. THE IRONING PILE: (tick) all the ironing is done!
2. FINALLY managed to break the 5km barrier. Ran 5.1kms tonight in 42 minutes.
3. HEELS... i have 2 pairs of new shoes, both of which are heels, and I LOVE them.

Thoughts: Well the DOS, his wife was diagnosed with Melanoma just smack bang before xmas. She passed away yesterday morning. How is that for nuts? I simply can't imagine how you would get through something like that? I think of how much I love Matt, and I think of loosing him, and it brings me to tears, just the thought.
So, a sobering thought, but life is precious.
It is a gift, it's a struggle, it is joy, laughter, tears, sorroe, pain, strife, happiness, satisfaction... it is in God's hands. He gives and takes in the same breath, but never lightly and not without purpose, and always with love. Always with love.

It's not Friday

Sitting here at my desk
At work
Feeling blah blah blah
Sick of it.
Sigh...

On the UP SIDE:
1. NEW SHOES, pickup on Thursday Evening after work
2. DINNER WITH FRIENDS, tomorrow night
3. I RAN 4.6kms yesterday
4. QUEENSTOWN, only 8 more sleeps
5. Only 32 minutes of foresaid work left for the day

Yep. Even when you feel like ... crap. You can find things to look forward to, be proud of and to be grateful for.
There is something to be said for counting your blessings.
N.

New gadgets for me

Hey this is all a bit new updating from my shiney new iPhone I love it!
Today has been great. Went to work and had a really productive day. Went on a date with
my awesome hubby, drinks, a movie, dinner and then just got home now. Just waiting for him
to come to bed... But you probably didn't need to know that!
Had a bit of a time of it lately. Struggling to reconcile Granddad dying and things...
One great thing that has come out of this is that Matt and I finally sat down and wrote out our goals for this year, and next year, and even beyond.
I have been kinda struggling with work of late, feeling powerless and frustrated and sitting and acctually deciding where i want to be in 18 months time was a huge breakthrough. Taking ownership and control of the problem and simply deciding that it is in my power to make things change has somehow helped a lot.

I have my duathlon this weekend. I had thought that with everything that has been happening that it might be too much of an ask, but today decided fuck it, I have done all the hard yards so I am going to bite the bullet and just do it!

Goodbye

Theo Godwin McGregor. 1931-2010

Granddad.

I was there to say goodbye. What an honour and a privelege.

You lived and imparted to me confidence and love, a sense of humour and a different perspective.

I loved how when I was little i got to ride on your shoulders (6'6" is a height to aspire to).

You were always waiting at the school gate for me on Wednesdays at lunch, so me and you could go and hang out, see nana and catch up on the weeks events.

You made the best school lunches, margerine 1 cm thick and choc chips, or sultanas

Marmite is only supposed to be used sparingly, but that never stopped you from slathering it on cm's thick.

I loved sitting on your knee.

And the smell of your sweater, rough on my cheek.

I always got to have a sip of your beer.

I love your laugh, and that grimace you have when you're thinking hard, or when something has gone to shit.

When everyone else was competing for first fiddle, your were a stead second, always there.

You fixed EVERYTHING, alarm clocks, my wristwatch when I forgot to take it off before a swim. I never got upset when something broke, because you were always there to fix it. Or make it better.

Do you remember the waterslide on the lawn, going hell for leather into nana's trees?

I can remember when you took me in your ute at Glenary, and I fell out the door, and then got you in trouble with Mum and Dad, I let the cat out of the bag.

I remember how big you are, how tall and strong. I remember your hands.

Do you remember all those Christmas' treats? I LOVE ICECREAM - you do too!

There was always the possibility of some adventure, of gruff cuddles, and lots of laughs.

I wish you were still here. I miss you. It's just not the same without my Granddad.

But I remember all the cool times and the crazy times, and I know when I have kids, and mum and dad are the Granddys, I will tell them about you too. So you will keep on in my heart and in theirs too.

I love you always Granddad.

Love Nardine.

Sunday Sunday

Stinking hot here today, and I have been BUSY BUSY.

It has been a bit of a crazy week. Had people for dinner 4/5 nights as well as trying to fit the training schedule in and other normal everyday stuff. i have got to the weekend, and am ready to lax back with a beer and enjoy the hot summer sun!

Crazy week, and an up/down week too. My granddad is sick, lung cancer and it's not looking good. Living so far from family is hard when this kind of thing happens. Makes me wish we were close by, able to be there and help.

15 people to feed for dinner tonight. So must away and organise and shit.

N.

I JUST RAN 4KMS. It's a RECORD!

Progress

 Me, January 2010 less 15kgs

Me, and Matt, August 2009

Monday Morning

Wow the weekends always go SO quickly!
Had a great weekend though, swimming and snorkelling at Goat Island. Barbie with friends. Read and finished my book.
Unfortunately though had a bit of a tummy bug last night and feeling rather seedy this morning, so no work for me.
I did jump on the scales this morning though, and have lost another 500 grams. I am happy with that as was a bit of an off week for me, didn't get much exercise done, and didn't make the best food choices.
Went out Friday night with my mate Cate. Was a great night out. Witty conversation, great food, a glass of wine. Friends are surely good for the soul!
Busy week this week. I have my duathlon in like 5 weeks, so it's onto the bike and need to up the running... haven't got there yet - but there is still time.
No witty comments or stories this blog. Feeling a bit shithouse still.

Numbers

At the moment my victories seem to be made of numbers.
500g weightloss for this week
$10 spending money left
Size 18 jeans purchased (!!!!!!!!)
3 kms run
35 min walk

You get the general picture

My Potato Salad

Red Potatos, chopped, boiled til tender and left to sit until they are warm.
Dash of olive oil
Juice and Zest of 1 lemon
1 tsp chilli (fresh)
Coriander (fresh) roughly chopped
1 tbsp Caesar Salad Dressing, any brand
Salt and Pepper to taste.

Combine in bowl, gently gently
Yum.

So she said to me...

"Are you recording this journey you're on? This is impressive, look how far you have come, look where you are going! It is SOMETHING"
And I replied "Yeah, kind of"

She has a point though.
This journey, my life, has changed me, and is somewhat only skin deep. You plant a seed, and it takes time for the roots to go down, for it to become established and bear fruit.

So. How far have I come?
12 months ago, I was eating crap, but training for a Duathlon. I was focused on the short term commitment to the event, and had little thought for the what comes next. I still weighed in at over 125kgs, was able to walk fast, but not really getting any momentum with the running. If I had a shite day, Mr Chocolate Bar would be me worst enemy and closest friend... and then would be consumed.
6 months ago, no longer exercising. Fatter. More sedentary, and happily eating with no care for tomorrow. Feeling depressed, out of control, ugly, fat, and uncomfortable.
3 months ago, getting ready for something to change.
9 weeks ago, I signed up for Weight Watchers. Online. I don't do meetings at the best of times. I decided that this was for me and only me. 1st goal was 5kgs, acheived in 3 weeks, and rewarded with ... a ... gosh I can't remember, but it was cool.
9 weeks ago, I could run about 250 metres, walk slowly for ages, and was unwilling to do more.
9 weeks ago, still feeling depressed, ugly, fat and uncomfortable, but no longer out of control. Weighed in at the doctors, weighed in at 130.5kgs.

So what has changed?
This morning I ran 3kms.
I weighed in yesterday morning at 114.5, and the trend is downwards.
I am in control. Because I am in control, I have perspective. I know that if I have a crap day there is no need to reach for a choccy bar because 1 it won't help, and 2 tomorrow is a new day, and so what if today was crappy? I don't feel depressed, ugly, fat and though am far from comfortable, i feel less uncomfortable.
I have a goal. It is FOR ME, no-one else. It is because I am worth fighting for, I am precious, I am of value, and in the past I didn't know it, and now... I am learning again what it means.

Enough for now.
Hope lives eternal.
N.

Shiney New

A new day. You get to start fresh. Slate wiped clean. A WHOLE year ahead, a blank canvas to make a mark on, to impress with dreams and hopes and acheivements.
I love new things
New Shoes
New Hair
New Earings
New ... new is where you get to plan, and hope, and look forward. To determine that you will make things happen.

So. What else is new?